Happy Birthday, BAWA!

Reflecting on 1 year of Beyond a World Apart!

After I published my book last year, I found myself completely gutted. I brought a story into this world regarding something I cared so deeply about, running purely on inspiration and ~*~*my new adderall prescription~*~*. I was lucky enough to receive two personalized rejections from querying which was enough to fuel me to self-publish. This took MONTHS and I could not fathom waiting even longer to obtain an agent and then a publisher.

I also received some of my first publications during this time. Half and One published my story, Hunger, and I had a pitch accepted by the Sober App. All of this takes (as you writers know) a lot of rejections. I reached 75 rejections in 2024!

Conversely, my personal life became a bit of a mess. We lost my partner’s father in August, coincidentally the same week of my book release. I felt like the winds died in my sail, and I was more focused on making sure everyone was fed and emotionally stable. I still managed to do a release celebration at Coronado in Tucson for their Weimar night, despite pleading with the family that it was not at all appropriate for me to go. They encouraged me to promote myself and get out of the hospice room, if only for a few hours.

Then, my job put me on a PIP and the perfectionist in me freaked out. I quit that job and am still underemployed, despite working three part-time jobs. Then, my best friend’s mother’s health started to decline. She not only has Huntington’s but she was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I flew out to the Midwest a couple weeks ago to say goodbye.

All through this time, I’ve been trying to write fiction again, and documenting my declarations of defeat here on Substack, saying I will never write fiction again, or that ya’ll aren’t getting a sequel. Truthfully, most days I don’t feel like I deserve to create. I get started and I can’t seem to finish anything. I only see the word count I need to achieve and feel like a failure if I don’t meet the goal. Even with Sackett Street’s Manuscript Generator class having ended last week, I don’t have much to show for it. I can’t seem to get out of my own way. It’s draining.

It feels like my brain is a television with fried antennas, refusing to show anything but static despite moving the metal rods in different directions for better reception. The desire and inspiration aren’t coming in clearly. Yet, through this struggle, I can’t help but feel as though I was meant to see a different picture entirely.

Through this rough period of time struggling with creative and overall life burnout, I have had some incredible folks who have supported me in this venture, even if they haven’t known entirely what’s been going on in my life.

When I was in the Midwest a couple weeks ago, I met a friend’s wife for the first time who informed me she recommends Beyond a World Apart to her therapy clients who are struggling with coming out. And I… what?! really?! Me being me, I immediately started sobbing. It’s the biggest gift to come out of BAWA’s release.

Last week, I had a 1-on-1 with my writing teacher at Sackett Street. I confided in her that I was thinking about quitting fiction. She said it would be a disservice for me to quit and I owe it to myself to return when I’m ready. She sent me some writing games to play and some prompts to take the pressure off production.

Daniel Puzzo

is my biggest Substack fan and regularly promotes Beyond a World Apart on this platform.

You should read his book, A Classroom in Kyiv. This book approaches English learning with humor, grace, and understanding. It’s such an approachable way to learn any language and why you should buy it, especially if you are feeling stuck on Duolingo.

I hired a creativity coach in September 2024. Catherine LaSota and I meet every other week to discuss my existential angst and she gets to hear my crazy spiral-y voice notes (jealous?). She meets me where I’m at and helps me through creative blocks. This year has done a number on my creative self-confidence. Having Catherine on my side reminds me that creativity is my purpose, and that my purpose is not production. I don’t owe anyone anything. Catherine has such a unique gift to help artists navigate the complexities of creativity. I have created more in my every day life this year through bread baking, knitting, painting, making up songs for my dogs, etc etc. Catherine encourages me to expand my horizons and that creativity is a way of living. Most importantly, she wisely reminded me in our session on Wednesday that I need to be witnessed in this vulnerable state in order to write vulnerably, because the book I want to write is a difficult one.

I have an idea, I know where I want to go with it, but whenever I try to write, I write around what I want to say. Because at the end of it, I’m going to be naked in front of the world. Truthfully, it’s easier for me to be physically naked on Substack with dudes writing me poems about my titties than it is for me to be emotionally vulnerable. So, I thought I’d start here, on my biggest platform (ok that’s a lie, my biggest platform is TikTok, but I’m pretty sure 90% of my followers are bots).

I’ve decided to take the summer off from word count goals to fall back in love with writing again and to see if I can commit to this manuscript. I’ve gained so many subscribers here for being loyal readers of Beyond a World Apart and my other works I promote on BookFunnel. I will still ride that high, and I have new piece that I am editing to have something fresh for the summer. I cannot thank you all enough for continuing to read my work and to support me.

If you are struggling to create right now because of world events or because your life is also messy, I see you. You can’t create with fried antennas, and we can’t fix this picture on our own. There is a lot of pressure on artists to say something important. But, we need to survive this first. Together.

Are you a writer and/or artist who wants to collaborate? Are you feeling lonely in your niche? Reach out in the comments below and I’ll send you a special invite for an artist check-in.

xoxo,

Caitlin